A Precarious Notion
by miserychickfic
Summary: When the radio station holds a contest to 'Win a Date with Hot Donna' Kelso decides to spy on Donna for Eric. Side stories; Leo makes a cameo and Jackie and Eric do a little bonding over Batman.


A PRECARIOUS NOTION [In the kitchen, Donna and Jackie are sitting at the table, Eric is getting something out of the fridge, and Kelso is standing by Eric drinking a coke.]  
  
Donna - [reading a newspaper] Win a Date with Hot Donna?? I can't believe the radio station is having this contest.  
  
Jackie - God, I know. I mean why would guys want to date you when there's plenty of me walking around?  
  
Kelso - [walking to sit at the table] Yeah that is so degrading to women. I mean they're not all just boobs and stuff...they've got minds ya know!  
  
[everyone looks at Kelso]  
  
Kelso - [looks up from his drink] .....what?  
  
Donna - Well I guess it'll bring more publicity to the station. It's for a good cause..  
  
Eric - Satisfying the needs of horny boys all over the greater Kenosha area? Oh, most definitely a good cause.  
  
Donna - [laughs] Shutup. [checks watch] Oh, I better get down there. We've got to interview the applicants. They need the "Hot Donna" seal of approval.  
  
Eric - Yeah I got one pinned on me someplace.....oh there it is. [moves collar to reveal a hickey]  
  
Kelso - [smiling]....and they need Donna's.....seal of approval??  
  
Eric - [thinks a minute] ....oh wait.... ohh......nooooo...  
  
Donna - [smiles] Don't worry Eric, there's only about...20 applicants. [kisses Eric and leaves]  
  
Kelso - .........Oh, I am so entering this contest.  
  
[Cue music]  
  
**********************************************  
  
[In the basement, Hyde is sitting in his chair, Eric and Kelso are on the couch eatin popsicles, and FEZ is sitting in the chair by the door]  
  
Fez - So....Nina and I were doing it the other day..... ....and after we did it.......we did it again. ...and then a couple more times after that. ...Yes I'm that good.  
  
Hyde - Fez.....you're gonna have to get over this, alright. It's only sex.  
  
Kelso - [mouth drops open] Don't you ever say that Hyde! [gathers his composure] ..You know Forman....Donna's gonna be around a lot of guys.....and goin on dates with em. She's bound to realize she can do way better than you.  
  
Eric - Kelso, Donna is an engaged woman. ......Besides, if she hasn't realized that already, she never will. ....I'm safe.  
  
Kelso - OH! I could spy on her for you! Yeah, I'll just enter the contest as my cover. That way I can see what she does.......or who.  
  
Hyde - Nah, Forman, Donna wouldn't burn you. ...she'll be too busy being oggled by the herd of guys signing up for that contest.  
  
Fez - Eric.....Fez will teach you how to win a lady's heart. You see......when Nina and I--  
  
Eric - Fez! No more about you doing it. Hyde, you shut up. And Kelso.......you really, REALLY need a girlfriend. ......not Donna. Look, we have been together long enough that I know she wouldn't do anything. And I trust her.  
  
Kelso - You know Eric...a fool is only a fool when he trusts his girlfriend. ....I believe Socrates said that. And he was like a disciple!  
  
Hyde - Yeah Kelso....what's a disciple?  
  
Kelso - What's a disciple, Hyde? ......Well if you don't know, then I shouldn't have to tell you.  
  
*************************************************  
  
[Red is sitting in his chair in the living room reading a newspaper, Kitty comes in from the kitchen]  
  
Kitty - Red, guess who's coming to see Steven!  
  
Red - ......a probation officer?  
  
Kitty - No! ...Leo!  
  
Red - ......Leo's probation officer?  
  
Kitty - Now Red. Leo called and said that he missed Point Place and he missed Steven and ....and his wife kicked him out.... and he missed Steven!  
  
Red - Oh, damn, Kitty! I don't want that hippie in my house, sitting on my couch, with his...hippie butt.  
  
Kitty - [slaps red] This is important to Steven! Leo's like a second father to him!  
  
Red - [looks mad] I'M more of a father to Steven than....Leo!  
  
Kitty - ....[HA HA HA] well I did say SECOND father! You YOU, Red Forman, you are number ONE! If there was an award for number one father to a boy named Steven Hyde....oh it would say Red Forman.  
  
********************************************  
  
[Donna is at the radio station interviewing guys]  
  
Donna - So how did you hear about this contest?  
  
Disturbed Guy - I summoned for the squirrels and they whispered it in my ear.  
  
CUT TO  
  
Donna - What made you want to enter?  
  
Jock - TAKE OFF YOUR TOP!  
  
CUT TO  
  
Donna - Why did you enter this contest?  
  
Nerd - My....my......my mom said.....she said i need....i need to go on more....more.....more dates......with.....you...you....you know....girls......and.....well i dont think any other girl would date me......er.......willingly....that is.  
  
CUT TO  
  
Donna - Why should we pick you as the winner?  
  
Disturbed Guy - If I am not chosen, I will detonate a secret lever in my shoe and the lizards will come attacking! [waves a finger] ...DON'T THINK I WONT!  
  
CUT TO  
  
Donna - What made you enter this contest?  
  
Jock - BOOOOOBS!  
  
CUT TO  
  
Donna - What would you do to win this contest?  
  
Kelso - [wearing mustache and cowboy hat] Well, lil lady. I'd saddle you up and ride you down to Dallas and back I would. Yeeee haw! [Donna pinches him] Ow! Donna! That spot is sensitive!  
  
*************************************************  
  
[In the basement, Jackie is reading COSMO on the couch, Eric is watching TV sitting next to Jackie]  
  
Eric - So......Jackie....waiting for Steven?  
  
Jackie - Nope. [flips page]  
  
Eric - Oh.....well then would you mind possibly...LEAVING!  
  
Jackie - [makes face] Eric, you should learn to just get used to me. This magazine says if your boyfriend's best friend doesn't like you, there may be a situation where he has to choose between the two of you. And Eric, I don't want you being mad at Steven when he burns you for me.  
  
Eric - Jackie....if you have to be here.....a little less yappin. I would like to sit and watch the Batman marithon in peace.  
  
Jackie - [looks over at Eric] .....Batman is on?  
  
Eric- [looks at Jackie curiously] .....um, yeah.  
  
Jackie - Oh....[looks at her magazine]  
  
[keeps glimpsing at the tv]  
  
Eric- [noticing] ...YOU LIKE BATMAN!????  
  
Jackie - [scoffs] No! That is such a stupid show! [scoffs] It's just....just stupid! It's just that.... I finished my magazine...and I don't want to have to bother you with....changing the channel.  
  
Eric - Well why don't you just....leave then?  
  
Jackie - .....And leave you here all alone? Eric, I'm a caring person. It's who I am, it's in my nature. Now shut your face and turn up the volume.  
  
******************************************'  
  
[Hyde is shooting hoops in the driveway, Leo walks over]  
  
Hyde - Leo man! I was waiting for you.  
  
Leo - Hey Hyde! Yeah I had to take a taxi.....you know when they drop you off, they want money? ....that's just selfish man.  
  
Hyde - So, how long you staying?  
  
Leo - Well I don't know man.....I sold the Foto Hut already...I think. They're turning it into a free clinic.  
  
Hyde - Nice. Well it's good to have you back Leo. Even if it's just gonna be awhile.  
  
Leo - Hyde man....I moved back into my apartment. My cousin Eli was savin it for me....he's a good guy.  
  
Hyde - ...Wait....so you're staying?? Man that's great! Wait what about your wife?  
  
Leo - Well you see...when I got there, she had a big problem.  
  
Hyde - Oh, I'm sorry man. Hard times while you been gone huh?  
  
Leo - What? Well I duno about that man, but she is HUGE!  
  
*******************************************  
  
[Jackie and Eric still watching Batman]  
  
Jackie - Go Batman! Use your trusty Batcane and whack that guy!  
  
Eric - ...Oh no, Riddler is putting a booby trap on the batmobile! No Batman don't start it! [squeals] Oh I can't watch! [covers his eyes]  
  
[Jackie and Eric are glued to the tv]  
  
[TV] EXPLOSION  
  
Jackie and Eric - AH!! [they hug eachother still watching the tv]  
  
[Kelso walks in still in disguise]  
  
Kelso - [gasps] [mouth drops open] Oh my lord! I was spying on the wrong person! Eric you whore!  
  
[Eric and Jackie, still hugging, look over at Kelso wide eyed]  
  
Eric - .......we're....watching Batman.  
  
[Jackie nods] [still hugging]  
  
Kelso - Oh, it was the perfect crime! You trick me into spying on Donna so you can cheat on her! And you woulda gotten away with it if it weren't for this meddlin kid! [points to himself]  
  
[Jackie and Eric stop hugging]  
  
[Kelso walks over standing behind Jackie]  
  
Kelso - ...Now as for you little lady.... I'm basically a cop. ....I think I'm gonna have to frisk ya.  
  
**************************************************  
  
[In the circle, Donna is sitting in Eric's lap, Jackie is in Hyde's lap on the couch, Fez and Kelso are in different chairs.]  
  
Donna - Ok, so we ended up picking this dweeby kid for the contest. ...It was more so out of pity...but compared to the other applicants, this kid was a real winner. ....and he had leg braces!  
  
Kelso - Yep, Donna, looks like Eric was gettin busy on a date of his own. Go on and tell her Eric. Tell her about your date with JACKIE!  
  
Hyde - [looks at Jackie] ...what the hell?  
  
Jackie - Eric and I....were spending quality time together.  
  
[Hyde stares at Jackie]  
  
Jackie - ....WHAT! Is that such a crime? Me and Eric hanging out?  
  
Kelso - You know what's a crime? .....lookin this good without a warning sign. I should wear somethin around my neck. "Proceed with Caution: Foxiness Ahead" .....yeah.  
  
Eric - Donna, I just want you to know that I had complete faith in you. And I knew you wouldn't do anything. ....and I am SO glad you chose a mama's boy with leg braces.  
  
Donna - Well Eric, the head gear was also kind of a turn on. But there's only one mama's boy that I love.  
  
[they start kissing]  
  
Fez - ....Oh no.....I need to go see Nina! [runs out]  
  
Hyde - Well, Leo's back. Looks like my connection is still intact.  
  
Jackie - Oh, Steven, I'm glad that smelly little hippie is staying. I know how much you love him. And uh, 'film' makes things twice as fun.  
  
Hyde - ...You know what's twice as fun? You....in a little maid's uniform...with a feather duster. .......in my room. [smiles]  
  
Jackie - .......Steven I don't dust! ...[thinks about it].....let's go!  
  
[they run to Hyde's room]  
  
Kelso - [scoffs] ....wait! .....Am I now the Fez of this group!?? .....oh this bites.  
  
***************  
  
Credits  
  
***************  
  
[the basement]  
  
[Jackie comes in from Hyde's room just as Eric comes in from the basement door]  
  
Jackie - Where's Donna?  
  
Eric - Radio Station. Hyde?  
  
Jackie - Leo.  
  
[they jump on the couch and turn on the tv]  
  
[TV] Will Batman ever escape the clutches of The Riddler? Find out as the Batman Marathon continues!  
  
Jackie and Eric - YAY! 


End file.
